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Trials and Tribulations

Sunday, 28 November 2010 18:07

Written by Loren Goldenberg-Kosbab

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Written in 2008

After setting in motion in January my divorce from the man I married, I didn't think it would be easy to get back on my feet alone, and it actually was in a way easier at first, this was because I had lots of support from friends, family and I have to say it my clients...all have been absolutely fantastic. I am truly grateful for this.


How out of my depth I was at making this decision, the confusion and the emotional rollercoaster I was on, the hurt and did I make the right decision? Yet I never had a fear of what my future would bring. I guess when you have been in a relationship that you never knew what the next week would bring you, constantly living with an uncertainty anyway; you learn to deal with life.


As time went on of course everyone gets on with their life and I was put on the trainer wheels, during that time I had learnt to cope with all that had been thrown at me, as many do when going through such times, and I was determined to get through it, have fun and start a new life.


Juggling work, with trying to keep a roof over my head, a new relationship, and starting Salsa Dancing as yoga was not shifting those nagging bits and generally enjoying life as a singleton again, my world was set crash beneath my feet, and at the end of last month I saw a dramatic turn around that knocked me on my arse. In a space of a few days I experienced no end of problems in every area of my life! Was Mercury turning retrograde again? Actually it soon will be 24th September 2008, maybe I am more sensitive to it this year then ever before because it's my 40th Year and it's my ruling planet...oh hell that's what set off the turn of events in January! So, here I am thinking not now! It's my last few weeks of being 39! But what I have found is there is always a reason for everything. Precisely that it was the last few weeks before the inevitable turning of a new decade. No more 30's I had reached that age that everyone dreads...I don't mind so much and haven't fretted, just gone through a lot of pooey areas leading up to it.


It started with a visit to a family friend of 30 years who is actually more like my adopted  Mom, I had not spoken with her in 3 years plus, life had taken over me and every time I went to call something came up, you know how it is...okay 3 years a bit long! Then when I became separated, I didn't want to call, because I knew what would be said...eventually out of the blue I decide it was time.  I call. I then visit. Everything was just like it was, and what I knew I would get but hey ho that's families for you, but I had a great time.

Upon my return though, my car just decided to break down...no warnings what so ever, exactly as I was reversing into my drive! So I was home safe and dry at least...'all that is' was looking after me for sure. Next day RAC came out diagnosed it as such but couldn't fix it...me being me I had to get a few other opinions and my old garage and new garage both said electrical not mechanical probably sparks. So there I was stranded in a village no transport 3.5 miles from town, bus service terrible. Taking on that notion it maybe the sparks it was a simple thing to fix, and I would have my car back, they did look like they came out of the arc, so I decided I would walk with my son into town on the Sunday. Oh boy little did I know what was coming to me this day.


I awoke to my normal routine, turn on pc, made tea, and sat and read my emails, open my browser to go to facebook and my default page came up...my site...but it wasn't there! Across the screen was a message saying contact billing! What! I starred at the screen in disbelief, if my site's down so is all my clients! OMG I was frantic.  I knew what it was about an invoice that the hosting company I go through claimed I had not paid, but I had, they had changed their billing system a month or so ago and messed up the invoices with another of their clients.  I had not just left it though, I had spent ages providing them proof prior to this and asking to sort it.  But like everything which has a computer and human behind it, if the human doesn't take action the system automates things and so there I was up s*** creek, it was a Sunday and being they are in US had to wait. 

After many emails and no response, there was no point sitting in and getting more rattled by this disaster, I will go out as planned and hope that upon my return that they had sorted out their mistake.  So off I go with my lovely son, who does this trip to town on a regular basis there and back and think can't be that bad...oh heck did I under estimate that one! I got to town sore in my legs, my hips hurting and feeling rather tired. I have ME so it was pretty silly of me to even attempt it but I am stubborn. When I arrive at my favourite haunt for my usual Mocha Frappe, Erkan one of the owners of Tiki's Hemel Hempstead (which is great by the way, fair trade organic products and better than Nero's any day!) said to me you look tired, ( I looked like I had ran a marathon actually, soaking and make up down my cheeks) and I explained and he said why didn't you call me you know my number, you have our card...embarrassed I said that was such a lovely gesture, I would remember it next time. I don't know them very well but they are spiritually orientated, owning crystal shops and in to NLP etc and I know in time will be come firm friends...but I am not one to impose so soon.

I leave and walk another half a mile to get the sparks, passing many car dealerships and meandering around thinking would be nice to have a car that didn't breakdown.  Wishful thinking of course.  Then I get a text message from the guy I am dating, I didn't know what to make of it, was this his way of saying it wasn't working for him? Baffled and slightly miffed, I though oh well, this was just another thing thrown at me and left it didn't bother responding, I set off got the plugs and walked back to the station hoping the bus would come to take me home...no such luck. 1 1/2 hour wait. Boy...what do I do, I was exhausted, legs hurt and didn't want to walk back into town. Didn't want to call Erkan, no friends in the area and the guy I am dating well as I said not sure there, so just sat there for a while, feeling terribly alone.  I then thought okay I will get taxi it's on a few miles won't cost too much, £10! Forget it I said to the guy, that's a rip off for 2 miles. So I walked...bad mistake! Or was it?


When you walk you have nothing else to do but walk and think, in my case there was an ‘ouch’ every few metres as well, and a curse when it started to tip down and thunderstorm over head. But I did think, great waves of memories good and bad came over me, and a great sense of being tested again...and feeling insecure? Where did it come from, well obvious thoughts back to my childhood, and so I was consumed with that a sense of feeling unsafe, unprotected...Then I thought about all my relationships that I had felt that way too and the type of partners I had, who where also that way inclined, but it was me that always made them feel safe and secure and protected, always go out of my way even at my own cost. Then it dawned on me, I was safe and secure, I was protected I always had been and I wasn't alone either, I had me! I had proved this in the very months after my separation; I am still standing, and thriving. This was a transforming realisation and extremely freeing, and I didn't feel so alone, I had 'all that is' all around me too, and even though my ankles, and calves hurt like hell and seized totally, I got home feeling like I made it...course I won't be doing that again! LOL Too stubborn for my own good!

Even though I had this new found knowledge Monday was no different although things got better as the day progressed, the sites were still not up, I eventually paid the invoice and extra fee as my clients sites where more important to me than money. I could always contest it, and I did get the sites up and running again which was a relief. I then got a text from the guy I was dating and all seemed normal, my legs well couldn't walk, my car was picked up to be fixed and no Salsa Class...kind of made me feel rather whipped but hopeful that I was now over the worst. Time to reflect on my thoughts of how my new found knowledge would change my life, and I did and I became more at peace and more in the flow.


Tuesday I had the best news ever; my solicitors rang me to tell me the PI had finally found my absconding husband! Papers could now be served; this is the start of my new life. My car fixed and my legs’ getting better...Light was finally at the end of the tunnel!

The moral of this story even though it's not a story but real events not only for me but for most of human kind too, is when you are faced with what seems like a torrent of problems, don't give up, stop trying to go up stream by reacting as you would normally, try to go with the flow.

When your feeling really negative, look for the really positive in the situation and realise that you are always protected, even though it may not seem that way at the time, know that there is whether it be your guides, 'all that is' or your subconscious, or a friendly Angel showing you something you didn't realise about yourself or a situation, and most of all have a belief in yourself, your own abilities, regardless of any disabilities you may suffer with normally!

Oh one last thing, I don't recommend walking 8 miles if you’re not used to it! LOL

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